A boy’s never too old not to need a dad.Captains Courageous
Ask me a question, and I’ll answer you completely untruthfully.
I do not know why I insist on maintaining friendships and associations with people that
make me feel like
I had the great fortune of not truly having this problem in high school - those that treated me poorly have found their way to the sidelines.
But college? Not so much.
Freshman year I was accepted into two friend groups. Within one, I felt like I do with my high school friends: utterly me and at ease.
But the other one always managed to call forth every ugly little thought I had about myself and manifest in ways proving detrimental to my (and others’) well-being.
This also occurred online.
Again, freshman year I was actively on DeviantART and managed to make friends with a group of writers. Hell, I even fell in love with one. But their personalities and talents made me question my own.
Whenever I see one of them online, all those emotions rush back and I feel like a bitter lonely little teenager again, with nothing going for me.
Why am I telling you this? I don’t know. Probably because it is 1:43 in the morning and I’m remembering how all but a tiny few online friends gave up on me. I’m sure they follow me on here, and I am past caring.
I just want to live in a world where I’m not haunted by demons that tear apart my head and mock me for being too young to really know what true pain is.
For dredging up old faces and words and throwing them in my face as a gleeful “fuck you”.
I have friends. I just wish I could relax enough to see past transgressions and slights.
You know, I wish for a lot of things. And chances are, they just won’t come true.